*Note:* This ENTIRE essay is complete satire. I do not condone slavery.
One of the major problems of this country – and one of the most highly contested – is illegal immigration, specifically from Mexico. It is a truly melancholy object to walk through the rundown shambles that these illegal immigrants live in, the groups of Mexicans gathered in groups, tiny communities within the country they illegally reside in. The place of crossing, the Mexican border, is even worse. Thousands gather, attempting to make it over the fences erected and guards patrolling in order to hopefully start a new life. I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of people is a problem for everyone. Whoever might find a viable solution – one that eliminated the number of illegal immigrants in our country and did not leave families separated – would deserve the veneration of the general public.
I myself have dwelled on this situation for an extended period of time, attempting to find a solution that would satisfy the general needs of the public. Fortunately, I have landed upon a scheme that, I believe, would meet those needs as well as provide several other advantages.
My solution would not only eliminate illegal immigration, it would also remove all of the disadvantages associated with immigrants. No longer could people cavail about them not paying taxes, or sending their children to our schools without paying, or stealing American jobs. No longer could they remonstrate about immigrants vandalizing, destroying, or stealing from border homes. After all, with the migrants taken care of, they would not be there to steal jobs, school spots, not pay taxes, or destroy property.
The number of Souls in this Country who have entered unjustly, being usually reckoned eleven Million and three, and of these I calculate a little under half hail from Mexico. From Mexico, there are surmised to be approximately one hundred and twenty-five Million and five Souls. And in the great and mighty military of the United States of America, there are thought to be roughly two Million and eighty-three thousand and one hundred people. And, as verified multiple times throughout history – such as the Battle of the Alamo in the eighteen hundreds and thirty-fives where a small group of two hundred to three hundred men withstood over one thousand Mexican men for over a week. As should be evident to the reader, the armies of the United States of America are vast in number and a formidable, indomitable foe.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be lyable to the least Objection.
Given the controversy of the migrants and the urging of our own great President to erect a wall between our countries, I would like to opt for a moste beneficial compromise that would avail both countries. America’s armies outnumber those of the Mexican’s, given our over two Million active-duty, highly-trained personnel as opposed to their two hundred eighty thousand personnel. Therefore, the solution is obvious. We are a country built on the principle of freedom and equality. Mexico is clearly suffering, judging by how many of their people flee to our country. So, in order to preserve our mission, we need to liberate Mexico and add it to the United States as a territory. Given our faithful, tremendous armies, we would most easily be able to free Mexico from oppression. Then, in order to get rid of the illegal immigrants, we then create an army of conquered Mexicans and send them into America to find their families, reuniting them, and bring them back to Mexico, thereby removing all illegal immigrants from the country. We would then divide up our new army and keep half at the Mexican border and send the other half to the Canadian border, whereupon we would then instruct them to construct walls between the two countries as protection is a major issue of the people with these immigrants.
Some people of a vast number are concerned about the issue of payment. The solution is a simple one.
Firstly, the deported immigrants would create an entirely new market. They would open jobs for the American people, and they themselves could be sold to American people as a free workforce.
Secondly, the money for their purchase – as well as the money they would generate through their work – would help to pay for the wall.
Thirdly, taxes would no longer have to cover the illegal immigrants, meaning the difference can go towards protection for our country, in order to keep out any undesirable or uncooperative persons.
While some may complain about those pesky human rights, I assure you the American people would lose none of their promised Constitutional rights. The enslaved would be purely Mexican and, given that they would have work and housing, they would be fulfilling their dream when they snuck into our country. And as the enslaved would not be American, they would not be applicable to Constitutional rights, so the Constitution would remain unbroken. Our country would also have strong border protection due to the increased army and the walls that had been built, helping to secure our country’s future.
I would like to observe that I formulate this remedy solely for the country of the United States of America, and for no other there ever was. Therefore, let no man talk to me of legalizing more immigrants so they would pay taxes and not have to separate families. Of implementing a better job program so they might find work that doesn’t detract from hard-working Americans. Of strengthening border security so we might reduce the flow of immigrants and protect the American people living on the border. Let no one mention improving the work visa program so they might work and improve the economy but also legally make money for their families. I do not wish to hear of how immigration creates more jobs and opportunities, generates more economic revenue, makes the country more productive, the economy more flexible, and offers a multitude of cultural benefits. Therefore I repeat, let no Man talk to me of these and the like Expedients, till he hath at least a Glimpse of Hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into Practice.
I am fortunate in myself that I hath fell upon this proposal, which is so new, radical, and visionary that will pose no danger to our own dear country. After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own Opinion, as to reject any Offer, proposed by wise Men, which shall be found equally as Effectual. I now must profess – and conclude – that I have not the least selfish interest in this plan. I gain nothing from it, being neither a business owner neither struggling immigrant, but rather propose this from no other motive than the general good of my own country.